STORY AND PHOTOS
BY JOE MCFARLAND

Several years ago in the middle, of winter, I received a phone call from a man named Tom Nauman who made the boldest request ever made.

"Would you be so kind," Nauman inquired politely, "as to suggest to me exactly when morel mushrooms appear in southern Illinois?"

Nauman operates a northern Illinois enterprise named Morel Mania, a business devoted to helping people obsessed with these delicious wild mushrooms find more of these delicious wild mushrooms, thereby becoming obsessed, satisfied customers.

Nauman explained he was planning to sponsor a morel-hunting contest deep in southern Illinois the following spring. Since he is from north-central Illinois, he decided it would be wise to consult with an experienced mushroom-picker from southern Illinois before selecting a date. We were friends, and so he called me.

"Wrong number," I told Nauman abruptly. "I am going to hang up now." That was the end of our brief conversation.

After much arm twisting, author Joe McFarland released the photo of a black or half-free morel found growing in southern Illinois. Just don't ask were he found it.

Nauman knew the rules of morel hunters, the first rule being the only significant one: Never ask a mushroom picker how to find morel mushrooms. Nobody asks. Never. It's forbidden information—don't ask ever. According to familiar custom, morel mushroom pickers never part with the slightest clue about where these spring delicacies grow, and there's a good reason.

It seems morel mushrooms are basically impossible for many of us to locate. The pitted, geometric design of the gray-brown caps blends invisibly into forest leaf litter, making these intriguing fungi astoundingly inconspicuous. Even as one stands in the presence of morels on the forest floor, the mushrooms still might not be noticed.

Consequently, when a lucky hunter manages to locate a patch of morels, he or she shares the information with no one. Since morels often pop up in the same areas where they grew the previous spring, the location of a discovered patch of these coveted treasures remains a lifetime secret. On their death bed, morel mushroom pickers will draw their loved ones near to deliver the final news.

"I'm still not telling you," they whisper.

Naturally, I wasn't about to part with my critical secrets about morels. Yet Nauman thought he'd give it a try anyway because he knew that I was the only man in southern Illinois who had the ultimate secret.

Every year since 1992 I've kept daily, incredibly detailed notes for the duration of morel season. Season after season, start to finish, I've scribbled minuscule observations about the weather, insects, buds on trees and wildlife patterns. I've described the stages of growth of wild leeks and daffodils during morel season. I've monitored turtle behavior and songbird migrations, all in the quixotic hope I might ultimately unlock the mystic secrets of exactly when and where morel mushrooms grow. I described mushrooms as they emerged. I counted every morel I picked and noted their qualities and characteristics. I developed

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"Okay, look for morels growing out of rotting Gingko tree logs in Pigeon County just after frost!" confessed Joe McFarland after intense questioning. (Just kidding.)

revolutionary hypotheses and took scientific inventory of every fern sprout, each peach blossom and measurable raindrop which appeared during spring. I had it all on paper, the precise dates when morel mushrooms grow in southern Illinois.

Mid-America Morel Mushroom Festival The Mid-America Morel Mushroom Festival is set for Saturday, April 20 through Sunday, April 21 at Trail of Tears Lodge and Sports Resort near Jonesboro. Admission to the festival is free. Admission to the morel-hunting contest is $10 for adults and $2 for youths 12 and under. Mid-America Morel Mushroom Weekend packages also are scheduled for every weekend during April. Packages include lectures, demonstrations and morel hunting opportunities for guests. Special lodging rates are offered. On-site camping also is available for tents and RVs. For more information, contact 'Trail of Tears Lodge and Sports Resort. 1575 Pair City Rd., Jonesboro, IL 62952 or call (618) 833-8697.

And now I was being asked to give this treasure of information to another mushroom picker.

My response naturally honored the tradition of morel pickers everywhere. When Nauman called back a moment later, I answered the phone with obsessive determination.

"Bon jour," I said in a French accent, holding a handkerchief over the receiver. "I ... how you say ... speak no English."

"Joe," Nauman said before I hung up again. "Don't hang up."

Too late.

I stared at the phone, waiting for it to ring again. It did, and I picked it up. I pinched my nose this time.

"The number you have reached..." I recited in a nasally, mechanical tone, "has been disconnected."

"Wait!" Nauman begged. "All I ask is this: when, approximately when, should I hold the contest? Please?"

This went on for two hours and 40 minutes until I finally ran out of convincing voices.

"Is that supposed to be John Wayne?" Nauman said on the final call, when I was trying to sound like former Senator Paul Simon.

"I'm hanging up now," I said in my best baritone.

It's been a few years since our telephone exchange on that winter evening. The information war ended with both sides claiming victory. The annual Mid-America Mushroom Festival, which Nauman helped organize, is now held every year near the end of April in Union County. Because of this late-April festival, thousands of morel addicts have enjoyed guided, wild forays, and mushrooms always are plentiful because that's when morels peak in southern Illinois: late April.

To this day, I don't know who tricked whom.

In hindsight, my final strategy must have backfired. I told Nauman the last thing I expected him to believe from a fellow morel hunter.

The truth.

Joe McFarland is an outdoor writer from Southern Illinois.

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