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10 • ILLINOIS COUNTRY LIVING JULY 2000
"children are forced to deal with pressures that weren't big issues when their grandparents were young." Most children today don't know anything about the Cold War or the oil crisis. They don't know a life before AIDS or the Internet. Records were never their primary music source, and they probably can't imagine a life without television. They face harsher realities, like drugs, crime, gangs and sexual pressures - an array of temptations unlike any generation before them had to deal with. And as inviting as it may be to try to forget about the obvious generation gap, knowledge is your greatest weapon and it's important to recognize problems like these exist. Why is this happening? Grandparents find themselves in the position of raising their grandchildren for a myriad of reasons. "Drug abuse by the parent or parents, child abuse, neglect or lack of interest, teenage pregnancy, death, prostitution, joblessness, divorce, incarceration and illness, especially HIV/AIDS are just a few of the reasons," says Costello. And although many grandparents never give up the hope that their adult child will one day assume full responsibility for the grandchild, the harsh reality of most cases is that the grandparent will ultimately be the only stable parental figure their grandchild will ever have. This issue is all too real for Linda G.*, a grandparent from the Champaign area who's been raising her 7-year-old grandson Brandon on and off since he was born. "My daughter had a drug problem and could not take care of Brandon," she says. Linda decided that it would be in the best interest of her grandson if she were to raise him. But it soon became clear to her that she could not get him the care he needed without first taking some legal action. "Brandon was three and needed some counseling and medical care, which was very expensive. And I had no authority when I tried to enroll him in preschool. That's when I decided to get legal guardianship of him," Linda says. Although raising a child the second time around is a tough job, she admits things became much easier after she obtained guardianship. "It's actually been easier for me than for some of the grandparents I've come into contact with," Linda says. "I've been really blessed with a good job, a supportive husband and medical benefits for Brandon." Linda says that sometimes she feels she is missing out on being a grandparent because she is so busy being a parent. "When Brandon visits his grandparents' house on his dad's side, they do what grandparents are supposed to do - feed him candy and pop and spoil him. And when I come to pick him up, "Just when I think I can't go on," Linda says, "Brandon comes to me, puts his arms around me and tells me how much he loves me, then I realize it's all been worth it." *To protect her privacy, Linda G. did not want her last name published. JULY 2000 • ILLINOIS COUNTRY LIVING 11
he doesn't want to leave and that breaks my heart. I just want the opportunity to spoil him like they do." It's a hard job trying to be both the parent and the grandparent, but "just when I think I can't go on," Linda says, "Brandon comes to me, puts his arms around me and tells me how much he loves me, then I realize it's all been worth it." Earlene Hines, raised not one, but two of her grandchildren after her daughter also could not overcome a battle with drugs. "I've been taking care or my grandchildren for 12 years," says Earlene. "They are both young adults now, but I got them when my grandson Richard was five and my granddaughter Sue was seven," she remembers. "I just couldn't let them go into the system after my daughter could no longer care for them. My husband and I decided we would keep them," she says.
This was quite a bump in the road for Earlene, who ultimately dropped out of graduate school and re-arranged her life to take care of her grandchildren. "I don't look back on this experience with regret because I love my daughter and my grandchildren," says Earlene. Earlene's situation, though distressing, created a positive outlet in her life. "This experience opened up a door for me. Because of this, I've made it my passion to help create programs and support groups for both grandparents in my situation and for young women who may have backed themselves into a corner because of drugs or other reasons and have nowhere else to turn. When I was dealing with this, there just didn't seem to be any support available. I had to cope with all of the financial and emotional issues alone," she says. You're not alone Though you may feel in complete isolation because your peer group no longer has to partake in soccer practice or ballet lessons and they would rather spoil their grandchildren with candy and toys and leave the disciplinary matters to their parents, be assured you're not alone. "There are grandparents all over Illinois who are raising their grandchildren," says Barbara Schwartz, program coordinator for the Illinois Department on Aging. "Most people just don't know where to turn for guidance," she "There is financial assistance out there for grandparents or other relative caregivers that many people don't know about." 12 ILINOIS COUNTRY LIVING • JULY 2000 says. Presently there are 66 active support groups available throughout Illinois for grandparent caregivers as a way to combat the feeling of isolation and to pool resources from other people in similar situations. Support groups offer grandparents the opportunity to meet each other and share experiences, knowledge, strengths and hopes. To find out more about support groups in your area, call the Illinois Department on Aging at (800) 252-8966. With the usual challenges that come with parenting, a grandparent may also encounter other predicaments, such as poverty, their own declining health, inaccessibility of medical insurance or health care, as well as emotional, physical and family stress. "The financial strain a grandparent raising their grandchildren faces is sometimes tremendous," says Schwartz. "Many grandparents end up depleting their retirement funds or savings accounts because of legal battles, necessary counseling for the children, medical expenses, plus food, clothing and other expenses that incur when you are raising a child," she says. And Grandparents are often denied services and may find it difficult to locate affordable housing and legal counsel. "There is financial assistance out there for grandparents or other relative caregivers that many people don't know about," says Schwartz. For example, the Child Only Grant, or Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) is offered through the Department of Human Services. TANF provides financial assistance to help families care for children who need help. A grandparent does not have to be the guardian of the child to receive TANF, and the grandparent's income and assets are not counted in the child's eligibility. Through TANF, a child will automatically receive medical and cash assistance every month, and if both grandparents are working, TANF will also provide childcare. What about the children? Researchers have found children raised by grandparents are statistically at higher risk for emotional and developmental disorders, as well as for academic problems, than are children raised in a two-parent household. Children often feel rejected or abandoned. They frequently deal with emotional and sometimes, physical scars from their past, confusion about the present, and hostility about their futures. "These children may feel unloved and unwanted and may need some extra assurance," says Schwartz. Children who have been abused or abandoned still have a great desire to be with their biological parents. They want very much to please the adults in their lives and will often go to great lengths to do this. They may try to take the blame for their parent's abuse or abandonment and may try to act angelic hoping it will bring them back. In other cases, children who have been passed from home to home will have had their trust stolen and may experience great difficulty trusting any adult in their life. Trust is a child's first emotional development stage which Schwartz says must be built. Trust comes over time, with consistency in a child's life. Schwartz says to make your grandchild feel safe by establishing a routine. Stick to your word and if you make promises, keep them. Don't sweat the little stuff At the end of the day, when all is said and done, it's extremely important to let everything go. Maybe the toys got picked up, or maybe they are still strewn across the living room floor. Maybe the dishes got washed, or maybe they are still sitting in the sink. None of that really matters when you look back at how much you've accomplished. Just let go and take some time to concentrate on you. You've made a grand commitment to your grandchild. Be proud. Now, light a candle, read a book, enjoy a bubble bath, write in your journal, and remember who you are. At a time when your once buoyant energy is exhausted, let your grandparent wisdom take over. Be still. Be easy. Be open. Be you. And know, no matter what, all is well, tomorrow is a new day and the toys will still be on the floor.
JULY 2000 • ILLINOIS COUNTRY LIVING 13 |
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